BMN
Off air.On air. Bulletin 001 · in preparation We are aware of the situation
Archive
NoticeWire
Local man’s “on my way” enters its second hour■Phone placed face down, then face up, then face down■Voice note confirmed to be four minutes long■Unread emails reach 1,204. Owner “fine with it”■Weather app consulted, then ignored■“Quick question” found to be neither■Earbud recovered. Other earbud still at large■Password reset for the third time this week■Tips welcome — [email protected]■Corrections desk accepting corrections■

BMN

Serious coverage of deeply unserious events. A weekly satirical news bulletin.

One bulletin a week · Fridays · Unsubscribe whenever

The latest bulletin

What lands in your inbox

Specimen · every name, quotation and candle is invented
Consumer · Recall16:40

Candle Recalled After Failing To Smell Like Anything

The manufacturer had described the scent as “linen, cedar, and the feeling of being perceived.” Independent testing found no scent of any kind. Refunds are being issued in the form of a different candle.

Consumer desk

Media · Unpublished02:14

Apology Statement Located In Notes App, Unread

The document runs to 900 words and contains the phrase “holding space” four times. It has not been posted. Sources close to the draft say it may never be, and that this is probably for the best.

Media desk

Sport · Result07:15

Man Wins Argument In Shower, Four Days Late

The rebuttal, delivered aloud to an empty bathroom on Thursday morning, concerned a remark made at a barbecue on Sunday. It is understood to have been decisive. The opponent was not present, does not recall the remark, and has described the barbecue as lovely.

Sport desk

The desks

Open to the public
Tips

The Network accepts information from the public. Sources are never named.

[email protected]
Corrections

The Network is occasionally wrong. It would like to know about it.

[email protected]
Newsdesk

Press, partnerships, and anything that is not a tip.

[email protected]

Programming resumes Friday.

Get the bulletin